Now I know why the caged bird sings
by baka-basher
Summary: The police catch Bakura and Malik by sheer luck, and send them to jail. Where they meet some....intresting charecters.
1. We don't know for sure!

**I'm Re-re-re doing this thing! So...my like... two fans might be happy. If they are still around.**

_/thoughts/_

(comments)

**don't own them. just renting.**

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Today was a normal day in the Ishtar household…well as normal as a normal day can get can get when you live with an insane homo-cidaly little brother.

It became a routine that every morning on opening Malik's door, Isis would find either Malik and Bakura passed out in a puddle of beer or Maliks's pet Cobra trying to kill him in his sleep. Fluffy never got very far but... Isis worried that day that Malik and Bakura might drink a little too much the night before and that Fluffy just...might...you know...

Malik was dreaming about a certain albino haired thief while said Cobra slowly slithered up Malik's neck, opened it's mouth (revealing two sharp dripping fangs) and...

"Get the hell off of me!" said Malik affectionately petting the king sized cobra. Making cutizes noises Malik held Fluffy up close to his nose like a cat lady would hold a kitten.

"Were you trying to kill me in my sleep again? Yes you were! Yes you were!"

The cobra stared at malik while forming in its one-track mind another way to kill its master. "Good cobra!" Malik cooed kissing the scaly snake nose, before casually throwing Fluffy across the room at Isis. "Oh well, better luck next time."

"GET RID OF THAT DAMN COBRA!" Shrieked Isis and slammed the door.

Isis sighed, holding her head in her hands. _/no Isis! I don't want a puppy! I wanna cobra! Why?! Why a cobra!?/_

At breakfast Malik poared himself a bowl of Fruit Loops while Fluffy made his way to his food bowl. Bakura waltzed from only 'Ra knows where,' opened the fridge, pulled out a beer, sat next to Malik, and began drinking at a very fast rate ignoring the surprised shrieks coming from Isis who after 2 years still wasn't used to Bakura randomly appearing. Actually they might've been shrieks of anger but...whatever.

"WHY CAN'T YOU USE A DOOR LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING!"? Screamed Isis clutching her chest as a sign she nearly had a heart attack.

"Why should I have to?" Asked Bakura smirking. "It's my boyfriend's apartment so I can come in anyway and anytime I want to. Plus Ryou's freaked out and locked the door again."

Isis rolled her eyes at that statement. "Ryou's such a drama queen and you two are hardly a couple. You're more fuck-buddies then anything else"

Malik grinned in a perverted way at Bakura, "hear that? We're fuck-buddies Bakura…" Bakura growled and pounced on Malik knocking him to the floor.

"Oh for crying out loud-NOT ON THE FLOOR!" Isis dragged Bakura off Malik, "I just got them cleaned and disinfected from last time!" Both Malik and Bakura groaned and Isis threw Bakura back out the window. Five minutes and twenty bullet shots later Bakura came back in with a hole in his arm, wearing a bloody police hat.

"The police have surrounded the house again." said Bakura calmly shoving the police hat on Malik, completely ignoring the bullet hole in his arm. Malik squealed like a little girl and hugged Bakura. "You beat up a police man just for me Bakura?"

Bakura shrugged and put his arm around Malik's tiny Man-Girl shoulders "Yeah, sure, whatever".

Isis held her head in her hands and sighed "What have you done now?"

Malik glared and put on a hurt look. " How could you think we did anything? I for one am insulted by these outrageous and outlandish-"

"-Cut the drama queen act and tell me what you did."

"Your landlord squealed on us, by the way... I wouldn't recommend using the strange meat in the refrigerator. Said Malik taking another spoonful of Fruit Loops.

Isis paused,"Aren't you going to do anything about that wound Bakura-OH MY GOD! IT'S ALL OVER THE FLOOR! BAKURA! IF THAT STAINS I'M GOING TO SEND YOU TO HELL!"

Bakura shrugged and leaned back in his chair. "Been there, done that, bought the Tee-shirt."

"Wait… what's wrong with that meat? I was going to take some for hamburgers at the company picnic today." questioned Isis suspiciously... _/If they did anything to that meat I swear I'll shove my foot right up their little .../_

Malik stared at Isis with a strange look of disgust, twisted humor, and pity.

"what?"

……No answer. The two boys just stared at Isis with that strange look on their faces.

"...!!"

"YOU TWO ARE SICK!" screamed Isis as she ran to throw up in the bathroom. "I'm taking that to the company picnic!"

"well, tell them it was chicken" Said Bakura grinning, "It always worked for me when Ryou questioned where all the meat came from and if I had anything to do with all the pets in the neighborhood suddenly vanishing. Foolish Gullible Ryou..."

Suddenly the cops burst in "FREEZE! BAKURA AND MALIK ISHTAR YOU'RE BOTH ARE UNDER ARREST FOR...uh...Hey Bob what did they do again?…Really? Oh wow… WE DON'T KNOW FOR SURE BUT YOU'RE BOTH STILL IN A LOT OF TROUBLE!"

"Crap!" Cursed Bakura jumping up, "they got through our barrier of human children Malik!"

"Don't worrry" Said Malik easing into a martial arts position taken from a Jackie Chan movie. "We can take them easily"

IN JAIL

"Oh we can take them, don't worry!" said Bakura sarcastically mimicking Malik's girlish voice rolling his eyes to emphasize the point

"Shut up" snapped Malik trying to keep away from a seven-foot... man in a sailor outfit by the name of Susie the Sailor "AND YOU STAY AWAY FROM ME!"

"Your hair is so pretty!!!!" screeched Susie "I can't wait to make it prettyful!"

"Touch him and I rip every limb of your body " growled Bakura grabbing him by one of the puffythings on Susie's...colorful uniform.

Unfortunately for Bakura and Malik however, a guard just happened to walk by and hear Bakura threaten the jail's most..popular...prisoner.

"Hey you!" Yelled the guard who for our purposes we shall call Dumb-ass

"No threaten other prisoners! I'm going to have you..." Dumb-ass exclamied opening the cell, "moved to another cell!"

Now Bakura being Bakura was not the type to be bossed around (especially by someone called Dumb-ass) so ten minutes later five cops dragged Bakura off to a different cell leaving poor Malik at the mercy of the fruity sailor known as Susie

After the five cops threw Bakura (literally) into his new cell, Bakura flicked a certain finger at the cops "FUCK YOUR MOTHERS! "

"Such a dirty, dirty mouth Bakura…"

Bakura's eyes widened with suprise...

"I know that voice!", he turned around to see Pegasus and three of the biggest and gayest looking men in the world. Pegasus smirked like a shark "Welcome Bakura… to my little gang"

That's it for tonight! More later..


	2. A sacred Ceremony

**Disclaimer: you know the drill**

(Comments)

_/thoughts/_

**I would like to say, that I personally have no hatred of gay people. Even sterotypical types. I just like making fun of everybody! EVERYBODY! PLEASE DON'T BE OFFENEDBY ANYTHING!! Ah' mean no dis-ray-spkt!  
**

**Oh! And when somepeople are talking, randoms "S's" get added at the end dopf certain words. These are not mistakes, it's how these peoples talks. **

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"Such a dirty, dirty mouth Bakura…" 

Bakura's eyes widened with horror "I know that voice!" and he turned around to see Pegasus and three of the biggest and most gayest looking men in the world. Pegasus smirked like a shark...a really snobby shark. "Welcome Bakura… to my summer home."

One thought flashed through Bakura 's mind _ /Oh fuck...!/_

"THE FUCK?!" Bakura roared, "Didn't I like kill you...or something!? Ovbiously not though since here he was with three goons who kept giving him suggestive blinks. (goons can't wink so they just blink)

"This is where I come when I feel..." Pegasus raised his eyebrows suggestivly, "horny."

Bakura felt a moment of true repulsion and horror. "..."

"Anyway i'll show you our new theme song, Bakura! READY BOYS? Yelled Pegasus jumping in the air, appearing in a red cheerleader uniform.

"GRUNT SNORT!" **Translation, RIGHT BOSS! **Yelled the fruity goons.

All of a sudden music filled the cell and Pegasus & goons started snapping their fingers in a strange song

(Please feel free to make up any tune to the song) (But this was made to the lyrics of the Barney Theme song.)

(WARNING YOU ARE ABOUT HEAR THE MOST BADLY WRITTEN SONG IN THE WORLD!)

I love you,

You love me,

Lets go to prsion to see Barney,

Oh how fun it is to take it up the ass!

Oh no, hope we don't get AIDS.

The end of the song left Bakura speechless. When he gained control of his mouth the first thing that came out was, "The last part didn't rhyme."

"...It's a working process dahln'."

(Meanwhile with malik)

"DON'T LEAVE ME HERE WITH…." Malik turned around just in time to see Susie playing with his hair and his earrings.

"I THOUGHT I SAID STAY AWAY FROM ME!" Malik ran screaming to the other side of the cage.

"But your hair wanted touching!" claimed Susie defensibly. "It begs me to comb it, it does!" Malik stated bluntly, "touch and I rip your nuts off"

Susie sulked at went to the darkest corner and stared at Malik planning his next move.

(With Isis)

"These are the best hamburgers I have ever eaten with my mouth Ms. Isis!(Where else would you eat Hamburgers...?) What kind of meats did you uses? It couldn'ts be beefs!" claimed Isis's boss.

Mr. gullible bite into another of Isis's homemade hamburgers.

"… It's chicken"

"Really! Aren't you goings to haves one?"

"NO- I mean I-um... had some all ready" stammered Isis backing up "if you excuse me!" With that Isis ran away to throw up in the random bushes

"……" Mr. Gullible just stared at Isis before shrugging and turning his attention to her wonderful "chicken" hamburgers.

(just a tidbit of what's happing with bakura)

"Now Bakura, we The Allience of Jail-Sex have a mission... that every year we find a new member! Guess who our new member is this year?

"Martha Stewart?"

"This year's new member is you!" Pegasus exclaimed doing a little jig.

"Now all we need to do is give you the introduction..."

Once again the music returned and Pegasus began singing… well it was more like shrieking

Welcome all my honored guests...

for a club of the bests of the bests...

Soooooooo...

welcome to our club

welcome to our club

welcome Bakura

welcome Bakura

welcome Bakura

welcome Bakura

welcome Bakura

welcome Bakura

welcome Bakura

welcome Bakura

welcome Bakura

welcome Bakura

welcome Bakura

welcome Bakura.

Bakura's pupil shrunk to the size of teeny tiny dots and he resigned himself to pounding on the jail cell bars.

**Sorry it's so short! I have to go to my grandma's for the weekend! I know Bakura and Malik are OOC... but being lock in a cell with two different loony fruits cakes can that, no?**


	3. Dunkn' Doughnuts!

**Disclaimer don't own it! (You know what I'm talking about!)**

(Comments)

_/thoughts/_

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While all this chaos was going on in prison. Ryou was being questioned at the police station for an unspeakable crime. He had stepped out to get some vegetables knowing Bakura probably wouldn't even though he locked the insane-alcohalic-thief out the house.

"I DIDN'T BURN DOWN DUNKEN DOUNUTS!" Exclaimed Ryou for what he thought was the umpteenth time. "I don't even LIKE dounuts!

The police officer George shifted to a sitting postion more comfortable on his giant squishy gut, rolled his eyes and took a drag of his cigarette"Right so the nearly blind eighty year old lady that placed you outside of Dunken Dounuts at 11:30 last night was lying?"

Setting what George thought was a intimadating look, (which actually looked more constipated) on Ryou he blew the smoke into Ryou's face.

"Look kid, the old bird said she saw a white haired freak (Ryou winced at that) in a green jacket with the sleeves rolled up running from the scene of the crime five minutes after the fire was started. Now… how many white haired freaks are there in this city?"

Ryou tried to laugh at the irony and failed horrible."I told you! My er-cousin Bakura!"

"The only Bakura we know has been in jail since 10:00 clock last night. He couldn't have set Dunkn' Dougnuts on fire."

"ADMIT IT!" Screamed Teddy, slamming his giggly fist blob into the table. "ADMIT THAT YOU DID IT! WHY!? DID YOUR MOTHER NOT LET YOU **HAVE DOUGHNUTS **AS A CHILD!? DID SHE JUST SIT THERE INFRONT OF YOU EATING THEM!? IS THAT WHY YOU DID SUCH AN AWFUL, AWFUL THING!? With that little rant, Teddy collapsed in a corner, sobbing.

Ryou finally snaped. It was inevitable, and he continued to scream about millennium rings, duel monsters that came to life and other stuff until finally the police officer pronounced him insane and sent him to the nearest mental hospital.

After getting Ryou into a straight jacket and sending him away another officer waddled up.

"Um… We found out that that one Bakura (Is there more then one?) has been in jail since 10:00 this morning not 10:00 last night. As it turns out hardly anybody here knows the difference between AM and Pm."

The other police officer paused...and tried to stand up. After a few attempts he just shrugged "Oh well! Not my job anymore-Hey want to go get a dounut?

"It was burned down."

"I mean at that other doughnut place."

"There is no other doughnut place."

"...there's not?"

"not for fifty miles."

The gravity of the situation finally reached George. With one great heave Police Officer George tood up. "THAT BASTARD!"

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"IT BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURNS!"

Bakura rolling on the floor while Pegasus played the album 'The Hits Of PBS And All The Other Wimpy Songs In The World' in the background. Where he got the CD player or the CD is anyone's guess.

"YOU SONAVABITCH!!!

"Oh come on Bakura! Join the fun!" said Pegasus dancing to the music.The goons grunted and kind of just...shoved each other about. That's how goons dance.Then squealing like an obsessed fan girl Pegasus turned up the music

"I LOVE THIS SONG!"

IF YOU'RE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT CLAP YOUR HANDS!

Bakura screamed.

Pegasus clapped.

The goons tried to clap.

IF YOU'RE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT CLAP YOUR HANDS!

Bakura tried to commit Hari Kari.

Pegasus grabbed the knife out of his hands.

The goons tried to clap.

IF YOUR HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT THEN YOUR FACE WILL SURLY SHOW IT! IF YOUR HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT CLAP YOUR HANDS!

Bakura punched Pegasus for stopping him.

Pegasus punched back with surprising strength for a wimpy albino freak.

The goons still tried to clap

IF YOUR EXCITED AND YOU KNOW SCREAM HURRAY!

Bakura screams in pain

Pegasus scream in triumph

The goons grunt

IF YOU EXCITED AND YOU KNOW IT-

Bakura finally had enough of the stupid song and kicked the CD player against the wall. "THEN GO TO HELL!"

Pegasus screamed and fell to his knees holding the broken CD player. "NO! SETO! COME BACK TO ME! NOOOOOOOOOO!"

Tragic romantic music filled the cell and Bakura had a feeling he was in one of those sappy old love movies where the main character dies at the end.

Malik sighed looking out of his cell where Dumbass and another guard were exchanging makeup advice. "Is every guard in this god-forsaken place obsessed with makeup and clothes?"

The warren chose this time to show everybody his new outfit that he found at Limited 2 .

"Isn't it a beauty?" The Warren exclaimed twirling around in a little circle.

Malik made little gagging noses

_/Ra help me/_

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As Ryou was dragged out of the back of the white van he saw a horrifying sight.

Hundreds of fat cops were lined outside of the mental hospital. The dude holding him grimaced in pity.

"They're all here to see you get locked away for burning the only dounut shop in a 50 mile radius. It's actually not a 50 mile radius, but when you're that fat it's LIKE a 50 mile radius." Ryou whimpered and clung to the doctor

"Help me…"

Isis was running all the way to Ryou's house. (Actually Isis dosen't run...she glides very fast.) Her skirt was torn and all the construction workers whistling. She really hoped that Ryou (who had to deal with Bakura every day) would be able to help her with her 'problem'

Flashback…

You see Mr. gullible was eating Isis 'chicken' burgers when he started throwing up. So he went the doctor to get his stomach scanned. (Hey! a rich guy can do whatever he wants)And apparently Mr. Gullible is allergic peanuts, which is what Isis's landlord had been eating at the time.

Huh…go figure.

Daz it! I'll actually make a new chapter soon. I SWEAR!!


End file.
